MORE COOL QUOTES

"It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something."
-Jack Handey

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
-Phyllis Diller

"A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B."
-Fats Domino

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."
-Winston Churchill

"The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!"
-Jack Handey

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"
-Edgar Bergen

"Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools."
-Truman Capote

"A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
-Bill Cosby

"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."
-Groucho Marx

"Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head."
-Carol Burnett


"I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away."
-Nancy Mitford

"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."
-Red Buttons

"Youth is wasted on the young."
-George Bernard Shaw

"Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying."
-Fran Lebowitz

"Never have children, only grandchildren."
-Gore Vidal

"My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one."
-Groucho Marx

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."
-Phyllis Diller

"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
-Robert Orben

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
-George Burns

"He who laughs last didn't get it."
-Helen Giangregorio

"Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million." --
-Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem."
-Bill Vaughan

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
-Yogi Berra

"Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box."
-Wil Shriner

"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
-Woody Allen

"How could they tell? " (upon hearing that President Coolidge had died)
-Dorothy Parker

"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"
-Woody Allen

"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
-Johnny Carson

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead."
-Woody Allen

"The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates."
-Dave Barry

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Very cooool quotes! Just read for fun.


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