"It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something."
-Jack Handey
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
-Phyllis Diller
"A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B."
-Fats Domino
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."
-Winston Churchill
"The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!"
-Jack Handey
"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"
-Edgar Bergen
"Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools."
-Truman Capote
"A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
-Bill Cosby
"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."
-Groucho Marx
"Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head."
-Carol Burnett
"I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away."
-Nancy Mitford
"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."
-Red Buttons
"Youth is wasted on the young."
-George Bernard Shaw
"Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying."
-Fran Lebowitz
"Never have children, only grandchildren."
-Gore Vidal
"My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one."
-Groucho Marx
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."
-Phyllis Diller
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
-Robert Orben
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
-George Burns
"He who laughs last didn't get it."
-Helen Giangregorio
"Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million." --
-Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem."
-Bill Vaughan
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
-Yogi Berra
"Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box."
-Wil Shriner
"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
-Woody Allen
"How could they tell? " (upon hearing that President Coolidge had died)
-Dorothy Parker
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"
-Woody Allen
"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
-Johnny Carson
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead."
-Woody Allen
"The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates."
-Dave Barry
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Very cooool quotes! Just read for fun.
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Tuesday, August 11, 2009
MORE COOL QUOTES
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